One of most useful things anyone ever said to me about parenting came from my husband’s mother. I was a new mom feeling guilty about having to supplement breast milk with formula and she said, “Honey, the ‘right way’ to do things is however you want to do them.”
I’m going on KC Live today to talk about helpful accessories for breastfeeding mothers, and while I don’t normally post about what I’ll be talking about before a segment, I’m going to share something with you here: breastfeeding is wonderful…for women who are not me. It was one of my worst experiences in motherhood. I felt like an engorged, leaky cow tethered to a fence post just waiting for some screaming, unappreciative blob-human to come along and give my life purpose.
When Savvy was an infant our little family went to Indianapolis for my sorority sister’s baby shower. The baby shower turned into a girls’ night out ending with me leaning over a hotel bathroom sink, squeezing tequila out of my boobs in hopes that I wouldn’t get my baby drunk when she inevitably woke up at 6am. If you’ve never tried to wring your own breast out like a wet washcloth, let me be the first to tell you, it’s as painful as it sounds. And don’t even get me started on the time I got a clogged milk duct (I shuddered even as I typed it.)
For people who love the experience of breastfeeding or didn’t love it at first, but worked like hell at it for the sake of their child; I respect and commend you. Breastfeeding is a beautiful bonding experience to some people, just not to me. To me, it was awkward, painful and gross. There I said it. So freaking gross. There was no technique, support group, or product that could have made me love nursing the way some mothers do, but there are things that can make it more bearable. And that’s what I’ll be talking about today on KCL.
So if you’re a new mom reading this, I want you to know, the “right way” to do things is however you want. You don’t owe anyone an apology or explanation. To paraphrase my mother-in-law, you do you, Boo Boo.
When your friend stops by and you guys accidentally look like a lesbian couple at their bohemian wedding.
I went to my friend Erin’s birthday party and one of her other friends brought a handmade lavender bath bomb from @Spire_Sweet, and Erin was like, “Emily you have to try this sometime,” so I grabbed it and was like, “oh I totally will, thanks!” and then Erin’s friend had to awkwardly be like, oh, actually that was my birthday gift to Erin. And what I should have done was be like, “how embarrassing of me to assume it was for me to try, of course I can’t keep this” but what I actually did was throw it in my purse and yell BYE-YEE! Continue reading
If you didn’t catch me on KCL Tuesday morning you can watch the clip. This segment went much smoother than the whole bathing suit/baby pool incident. One of the other people booked for the show that day was an Air Guitar Champion who goes by the name “Rockward Silence.” I mean, I thought I had blind confidence but this dude performed air guitar on live TV at ten a.m and he went.for.it. I was like, I bow to you, Sir, and your total lack of Fs to give. Continue reading
I know I said I’d post my TV segment details yesterday, but I have something else on my mind so that’s going to wait.
I recently spent a few days with our friends’ preteen daughters and they had lots of questions, everything from what I was like when I was their age to what I’d change about my appearance. They were so pure and yet so cautious of being judged. It got me thinking back. I once read something to the effect of, if you don’t have a weird friend, you are the weird friend. Continue reading
If you follow me on IG (@MrsKansasMommy) you know I’ve just gotten home from an 8 day family vacation extravaganza in which I overindulged on everything (food, sun, booze, chlorine, caffeine…all the good things.)
Sometimes in the pool we play trivia and the girls (Avery 6 and Savvy 4) take turns “impressing” me with their knowledge while we float around…
Me: Who’s the President?
Savvy: JIMMY FALLON!
Avery: Donald Trump.
Me: And who was president before him?
Me: And who was the other candidate besides Donald Trump? Remember? The woman candidate?
Avery: I don’t know…
Oh wait, yes I do! Celery! Celery Hilton!
Me: What state do we live in?
Avery: Kansas. Duh, Savvy America is where the President lives in the White House.
Me: I think you mean Washington DC.
Avery: Yeah. It’s super far away in Canada.
Me: Um, okay switching categories…What does Bonjour mean?
Avery: It means Hello.
Savvy: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!
Me: How do you say Hello in Spanish?
Avery (high-pitched): Yoo-hoo!
On the way out, Avery took a drink from the fountain and then helpfully notified the children and mother nearby that “This water fountain tastes like martini water.”
So I guess the take-away is that what Savvy lacks in knowledge, she makes up for in supreme confidence, enthusiasm, and volume. And I don’t know what to do about Avery, but I do know that my new alter-ego is a socialite named Celery Hilton who drinks martini water at the pool and calls out “Yoo-hoo!” to greet people Spanish.
Here are some of my favorite pictures from Summer Seventeen so far:
This segment has everything: an overzealous bubble machine, a grown woman trying to talk and play with baby toys on live tv, Dan Cortez…
Glenn is my dad. Today, in honor of father’s day, I’m going to share some of my favorite things from the man who is responsible for so very much of who I am. I keep a log of funny things he says, then later denies. For example, last Summer I was making Moscow Mules and as he walked past the kitchen he casually-but-angrily mentioned that the “price of limes has sky-rocketed because of the f*cking cartels.” He then proceeded to the deck with no further comment. Then on Turkey Day he walked into my house holding a Pecan Pie and greeted everyone by announcing, “Well, another god damned Thanksgiving!”
Here’s a young, grinning Glenn in his more frivolous years:
What you’re about to read is an abridged version of an email he sent me in 2007. In my opinion it contains some of the greatest lines ever written.
I was recently honored to be part of a blogger partnership with Arhaus to design a mood board for my dream living room. The only real challenge here was narrowing down what to include. Because I want All-Of-The-Things.
A letter to my second First Teacher (a starring role with little fanfare.)
Dear Mrs. P,
Avery is my first child, yet I didn’t cry on her first day of kindergarten. Now it’s her last, and I have all of the feels.
There are many things you did for my daughter (other than miraculously teach her math and reading) that are completely underrated. Where do I even begin…