“GEORGE WASHINGTON DIED IN HIS OWN BED!”

I spend most hours of my life with my kids. And they like to run their mouths gab. Whenever they say something worth remembering, I use Facebook as a lazy-ass modern alternative to a traditional baby book so I can capture the moment, well, in the moment.

Emily Kuhlman and Daughters

Here are some actual conversations I’ve captured with my children Avery (5) and Savvy (3) lately:

*Picking up the girls from school*
Me:”How was Teddy Bear day at preschool?”
Savvy: “Good. I saw a wiener.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Savvy: “I just kidding!”
Me: “Why would you even tell Mommy that?!”
Savvy: “Wieners are so funny!”
*a beat of silence as I debate whether or not to admit I agree*
Avery *flinging the car door open whilst shouting like a doomsday prophet on a street corner): “GEORGE WASHINGTON DIED IN HIS OWN BED!”

Naturally the members of my family now enjoy shouting this out at random.

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*Overheard*
Avery: “Savvy, if you don’t behave we’re going to sell you to the market for pork.”

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Avery: “Do bunnies smell good?”
Me: “I don’t know, I’ve never smelled a bunny.”
Avery: “No. Like, do they have a good sense of smell? Why would you smell a bunny?”
Me: “I don’t know. I thought it was a strange question.”

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*Savvy and I at McDonald’s, both wearing Ugg boots.*
Old lady with white hair (talking to Savvy): “What happened to your forehead??”

Savvy: “It’s a birthmark.”

Old lady with white hair (to Savvy): “I knew a little boy with one of those and they had to cut it off his face! Well you’re a pretty little girl anyway. I like your boots!” *looks at me* “Those Ugg boots only look good on children. And they are way too expensive.”

Savvy: “I had a grandma with white hair but she’s dead.”

Normally I call her out on all of her egregious lies, but I let this one slide.

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*Our pomeranian Mr. Biffles nips Avery on the ankle.*
Avery (*shouting down at the puppy and gesticulating wildly): “I DON’T WANT TO BE COVERED IN BLOOD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!”
Me: “He’s six pounds and his teeth are smaller than grains of rice. Settle down.”
Avery (completely calm): “I know. I was just warning him to make a point.”

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Savvy: “Guess what my skin is made out of…”
Me: “What?”
Savvy: “Glorious meat.”

This has prompted me to start proclaiming things like, “THE GLORIOUS MEAT HAS RISEN. THE GLORIOUS MEAT DEMANDS WAFFLES.” My new goal in life is to write her wedding announcement for the newspaper with the line, “…and the bride wore glorious meat.”

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Me: “Where’s your little sister?”
Avery *casually*: “Oh, you know.”
Me: “No. I don’t know.”
Avery: “She’s in the family room relaxing in a giant turtle shell I made out of toys and trash.”

I took one fifteen minute shower, people

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My parents’ dog Annie died last year and since they live on a ranch in the country, they buried her in a corner of the yard and planted some lovely flowers. My mom walked the girls over to show them that they could come visit Annie’s grave whenever they missed her.

Avery: “So Annie’s actually in there?”

Mom (*delicately tiptoeing around discussion of the afterlife): “Well, yes, but her spirit isn’t there, it’s only her body.”

Avery: “Just her body?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Avery: “No head?”

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And last but not least, probably one of the darkest days in dog-shaming history:

Dog Shaming

 

 

Hashtag Game! @ThePumpAndDump Comedy Show

KC moms it’s time for another #MKMReal hashtag game and this time I’m giving away two tickets to the Pump and Dump Comedy show at the Improv KC on Wednesday, April 5! I will be there too 🙂

What is it?

THE PUMP AND DUMP SHOW AMERICA’S ORIGINAL MOMS’ NIGHT OUT VALIDATING “BAD MOMS” EVERYWHERE BY GATHERING EVERY KIND OF MOM IN ONE ROOM FOR ONE HELLUVA NIGHT!

 

The Pump and Dump Show is a one-of-a-kind, interactive, live production designed as the ultimate respite for parents everywhere. Original music includes songs like “Parental Lovin’,” “If Daddies Made Milk,” and “Eat Your F—ing Food.” Audience members (affectionately referred to as BREEDERS) play games like “Cervix Says” and “The Most F-ed Up Thing My Kid Has Done” to win bottles of wine and other fantastic prizes from local and national sponsors. The Pump and Dump Show’s 2017 Band of Mothers Tour continues its mission to spread mom karma, give high fives and uplift and encourage moms coast to coast.

 

To enter to win two tickets just post a picture of your real mom life and use the hashtag #MKMReal and tag @ThePumpAndDump

Example: Me waiting for my child to get out of the tub. #mkmreal @ThePumpAndDump

Emily Kuhlman 5

See you there!

The Pump and Dump Theme song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzD4xzbHckU

Lies we tell ourselves

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyfd6thf4_E

Eat Your F-ing Food

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMW97mHq9I4

Actual Things: Sprouts

unnamed (8)

Today I was offered a shoulder rub by a vagrant loitering outside of Sprouts.

I seriously considered it. I even thought what if it’s a trick and he does something sneaky like grabs my boob real quick; then I decided it would still be totally worth the risk for a good shoulder rub. Then I looked at his long scraggly beard and thought how a microscopic bug could easily jump out of it and onto my head and I’d get a free massage but also lice. As I assessed the risk I noticed it was time to pick up Avery from school, so my dilemma solved itself.

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Product Review: Not Your Mother’s (Not for me.)

Last time I was at Ulta, they were having a buy one get one half off sale on Not Your Mother’s hair care products. The packaging was cute and since I was out of my trusty Suave Dry shampoo I decided to try their line called Clean Freak. I’ve only had it for a few weeks and I’m only slightly sad to say it has already run out.

FullSizeRender_11.The “refreshing” smell they are going for is, in my opinion, not unlike the scent of SPF 50.

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My TV Debut: Behind the Scenes

I recently went on Kansas City Live to do a segment on National Children’s Dental Health Month and since it was my first time being on live tv, I thought I’d share some behind-the-scenes.

First of all, how to decide what to wear, right? Luckily I have a go-to sorority sister for that. Like, one time I sent her this “cool” outfit I wore to preschool pick-up, which turned out was not cool:

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It’s personal.

This is the room where I write. All of my writing is personal, but this post is without a doubt the most personal thing I’ve ever shared.

Office

My writing space is filled with special things, including a print of a Keane painting my grandmother bought for my great-grandmother (Mema) when she went to New York in the 1960s. In her 99 years, Mema outlived all her brothers, sisters, husband, and both of her children. She once told me she thought God forgot about her. On March 19th, 2004, what would have been her 100th birthday, I wrote this poem for her:

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March Madness, Sprots, and Badass Babes

Sprots: The proper term for athletic events, for people who hate athletic events.
I may be the only person in history who has never filled out a March Madness bracket and this year is no exception. But if you eh-like-ah-da sports, you should definitely check out the blog and podcasts over at SprotsTakes.com. Last month I was honored to be featured as one of their “Badass Babes” for Galentine’s Day. I love the laid back spirit of this group of female writers. Might even make me want to follow the sports…
Here is my Badass Babe Interview by Staff Writer Emily Kristen of Sprotstakes.com:
Emily Kuhlman may be the funniest woman I’ve ever met. Our paths crossed at a blogging conference a few years ago, and she’s been on my “Must Follow” list ever since.
 

She’s the brains behind Mrs. Kansas Mommy, a blog where she candidly and poignantly describes raising two little Badass Babes of her own. It’s an honest look at parenting and it often makes me literally laugh out loud.

Check her out on Instagram and Twitter 

 

Kristen: What’s your favorite way to spend a day off?

Kuhlman: Watching This Is Us and eating candy that I steal from my kids’ Halloween buckets while they’re at school.

Kristen: What qualifies someone as a “badass” and do you think of yourself as one?

Kuhlman: Yesterday my five year old daughter drew a picture depicting me as a pregnant unicorn. I’d say that means I’m pretty badass in her eyes, especially considering I’m not even pregnant. Or a unicorn. Additional Badassery:

  • Doing things that scare you because they might make your life bigger, like entering a pageant as a grown woman, or going after a job you’re not quite qualified for and working your ass off to be great at it, or birthing a child. In that order. I know because I’ve done all of those things, some twice.
  • Admitting when you f*cked up and moving forward to correct it. I don’t understand people who have a hard time apologizing. I view it as a way to reclaim your dignity and show that you’re the kind of person who deserves respect too.
  • Wearing orange because it’s your favorite color, even after your best friend tells you it looks bad on you.Jessica.

Emily Kuhlman 5

 

Kristen: As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Kuhlman: A pregnant unicorn. Also a singer, actress, travel agent, and marine biologist (I was very into the movie Free Willy).

In a way, I became all of these things if you count the Sea-Monkey kit my kids got for Christmas as marine biology. Which I do.

Emily Kuhlman 6

Kristen: Who has inspired you most?

Kuhlman: My celebrity heroes are mostly First Ladies and Comedians: Jackie, Michelle, Louie, Tina, Amy. It may seem like an odd pairing of jobs but if you think about it, these have to be some of the most emotionally-brave people on the planet to do what they do.

In terms of inspiring my life choices and actions, my women friends are the people who bring out the most energy, humor and compassion in me.

Emily Kuhlman 4

Kristen: What are your goals for this year?

Kuhlman: Sadly I don’t have an answer for that, so I will create some now:

  1. Stop swiping my card when there’s a chip reader. It’s a waste of my time and yours.
  2. Beat level three on Mario Run.
  3. Make it to at least one athletic event of each of my nieces and nephews who play the sportsballs.
  4. Get published.
  5. Be a better person than I was last year. My husband and I will vote in December and then no matter the consensus, my parents will decide.
You can check out more Badass Babes here.

“At first I didn’t want anyone to know how he left this world.”

Mood: Ripple by The Grateful Dead

I’ve blogged candidly about my struggles with Anxiety disorder. The goal is that whoever reads it comes away with  more compassion for Invisible Illness, which is why I’m sharing this post with you now.

Preface: I’m the baby of my siblings by many years, so I’ve been an Aunt since I was 9. I know other Aunts love their nieces and nephews, but somehow I just know I love mine more.  Like, don’t fight me on this. So when my oldest nephew Koltie-baby was home from college for Christmas a few years ago and said he wanted me to meet a girl named Brooke, I was cautiously optimistic.

Now it’s years later and I love our Brookie so much I think of her as one of our own.  To put it in perspective, the first time she stayed over at my house for a couple days I casually asked her what color she wants me to wear to her wedding.  I basically just want to squish her cheeks and tell her constantly that she is magical and I shall be her Crazy Aunt for all time.

Brooke at game

Brooke and Koltie

Brooke with fam

Brooke Beach

*I’m obviously the one in the Mom-Jean shorts.

About a year ago her parents were in town for a volleyball tournament so I went with my sister to “meet the parents.” I had my two children in tow and immediately pegged the happy, margarita-drinking couple from Texas as Brooke’s parents, David and Erin. David bought me a beer and we dove into conversation as I was internally surprised at how our shy “Brookie-Barbie” (as my children call her) had spawned from such an outgoing, charismatic dude. We spent a couple of hours drinking, eating, and talking. My kids ended up on Erin’s lap. David was the quintessential proud, genuine family man from Texas, complete with corny Dad jokes. There was never a lull in conversation and they both hugged me tight when it was time to leave. I love that my Koltie-baby picked a girl from such a fun, close-knit family filled with love and laughter.

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A few months later the unthinkable happened. Continue reading

Defying Gravity (And Better Judgement)

Once in college I went on a Greek leadership retreat where the team-building exercises were a series of ropes course activities, all involving heights. Long story short, they had to lower me by my harness down to the ground where I spent several minutes dry heaving in the fetal position in front of my horrified peers.

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#MKMreal Hashtag Game Winner!

 

Thank you so much to our sponsor Anna Needham for this fun idea! Make sure you check out annaneedham.myrandf.com to get your glow on. Rodan + Fields is the ISH and Anna is a knowledgeable, trustworthy, sweet Momma from Texas! Fun fact, I know Anna through her husband Ben who I grew up with in Stillwater. One time sophomore year we had a snow day, so like any reasonable people a few of our friends tied a sled to the back of a jeep and took turns riding on the snowy back roads, where I witnessed Ben hit a dead cat at such speed that the sled actually caught air. Because Oklahoma. That story had nothing to do with this contest, but when you see your friend hit a dead cat on a child’s sled you never skip the opportunity to retell it.

Soooo…on to the winner!

Congratulations to @CiminoFamily on winning your $75 credit to Rodan + Fields. You cracked us up with your multiple entries but this one definitely takes the cake. Also OUCH!

cimino

Other awesome entries:

hashtag-game

 

I seriously love you people.