Sh*t My Kids Say: Fallon/Hilton 2020

Sometimes in the pool we play trivia and the girls (Avery 6 and Savvy 4) take turns “impressing” me with their knowledge while we float around…

Me: Who’s the President?

Savvy: JIMMY FALLON!

Avery: Donald Trump.

Me: And who was president before him?

Avery: Obama.

Savvy: OBAMA!

Me: And who was the other candidate besides Donald Trump? Remember? The woman candidate?

Avery: I don’t know…

Oh wait, yes I do! Celery! Celery Hilton!

Me: What state do we live in?

Savvy: AMERICA!

Avery: Kansas. Duh, Savvy America is where the President lives in the White House.

Me: I think you mean Washington DC.

Avery: Yeah. It’s super far away in Canada.

Me: Um, okay switching categories…What does Bonjour mean?

Savvy: YELLOW!

Avery: It means Hello.

Savvy: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!

Me: How do you say Hello in Spanish?

Avery (high-pitched): Yoo-hoo!

On the way out, Avery took a drink from the fountain and then helpfully notified the children and mother nearby that “This water fountain tastes like martini water.”

So I guess the take-away is that what Savvy lacks in knowledge, she makes up for in supreme confidence, enthusiasm, and volume. And I don’t know what to do about Avery, but I do know that my new alter-ego is a socialite named Celery Hilton who drinks martini water at the pool and calls out “Yoo-hoo!” to greet people Spanish.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from Summer Seventeen so far:

 

KC Live: That Time I Played In A Baby Pool In A Parking Lot.

This segment has everything: an overzealous bubble machine, a grown woman trying to talk and play with baby toys on live tv, Dan Cortez…

It all started Thursday night. I got home from spending the week in Wichita and waited for Kuhlguy to come home from work so I could go to Target and purchase a baby pool to use for my segment Friday morning. While I was there, a Fourth of July swimsuit caught my eye and I thought, well, obviously I need that.

Along with the things I needed for the show, I also brought my giant float: KellyAnne Swanway (named so because “she ain’t got no legs”) and my kids’ bubble machine. As the segment began, the wind picked up and we found ourselves in a bubble storm, so the producer is frantically off to the side turning off my bubble machine, my products for the segment are getting blown all out of order in the baby pool, I’m wearing a microphone pinned to a swimsuit in a parking lot while I play with baby toys in front of two grown men in suits and the camera is rolling and I’m internally having one of those moments like *record scratch* *freeze frame* “I bet you’re wondering how I got here.”

But the show must go on, and so it did. Joel had the best line of the day which was, “Don’t bring a fish to a gun fight.”

The YookeeDoo Duck Race is my favorite; clearly it’s for babies, but I find it strangely mesmerizing. All of these are definitely going to get a lot of use at our house this summer:

Yookidoo Musical Duck Race at http://www.Amazon.com

HABA Squirter Fish Angler Set at http://www.Amazon.com

GeoSafari® Jr. Subscope™ at http://www.EducationalInsights.com

STEM Sink or Float Activity Set at http://www.LearningResources.com

Nerf AlphaFire available at Amazon, Target, Toys R Us

And now for some Behind-The Scenes:

FullSizeRenderFullSizeRender-4FullSizeRender-5

FullSizeRender-3

Not a whole lot of room for a mic pack

FullSizeRender-7

My personal assistant for the day: Mr. KansasMommy

FullSizeRender-8FullSizeRender-10

IMG_6613

KellyAnne Swanway

 

I hope everyone has a FANTASTIC weekend! If you need me I’ll be exactly like the above picture only on the water and without my pants.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KC Live: Modern Mommy Essentials (Pills, Boobs, Booze + More)

The greatest thing happened to me today. Right before we went live, I was asked to “say something” for the mic check and I got to utter the epic words, “The arsonist has oddly shaped feet…what is your name, Lanolin?” in a real life TV studio.

MM 1MM 2MM 4MM 5MM 6MM 8

Here’s my girl-talk with the amazing Michelle Davidson. Everytime I see her I love her more and today was no exception:

 

Here are the innovative modern mommy essentials from the segment and where to find them:

The Innovation award-nominated mifold is more than 10x smaller than a regular booster seat but just as safe. It’s literally small enough to fit in your purse and therefore perfect for travel and ideal for times when you need to fit three booster seats across!

mi fold Booster Seat

Order the mifold Booster Seat HERE

Nanobébé Breastmilk Bottle. Launching in the US now and also up for an Innovation Award, this is the first bottle specifically designed to protect breastmilk nutrients and allow the baby to start self-feeding at an earlier age. This bottle cools breastmilk 7x faster than standard bottles, preserving more nutrients. It also warms 2-3 times faster so you can quickly feed your crying baby without destroying any of the good stuff you worked so hard to pump!

nano bebe breastmilk bottle

Order the Nanobebe HERE

Vitasome’s Curcumin-C & Glutasome have energy-boosting turmeric which is a natural anti-inflammatory and promote healthy skin, diminishing the signs of aging (YES!) What’s so different about these supplements is the patented liposomal delivery system. Liposomes surround the nutrients until they penetrate your cells where they’ll have the most benefit so the nutrients are never mistaken for waste.

 

 

Order Vitasome HERE

The Nugeni Steva + is an all in one, easily interchangeable handheld vacuum (cordless and upright), steam mop and a mobile steam cleaner. You can even use it to steam clothes! The steam kills 99% of bacteria so you don’t need to use any harsh chemicals.

Nugeni Steva Accessories

Order the Nugeni Steva + HERE

 

Kansas City Live: Autism Awareness Month

Approximately 24 hours before I was supposed to go on live television for a segment, I woke up with a horrendous sinus infection and no voice…not even a sultry  Scarlett Johansson voice, just little raspy squeaks between hacking coughs. But the show must go on (as we “in the biz” say) so I pumped myself full of a dangerous amount of cold medicine, drank a vat of tea, and painted up my face like a french streetwalker. Because I’m a professional, dangit.

Joel

Kansas City Live host Joel Nichols

I was in the large news studio today rather than the morning show set so there was no live audience.  I had an overwhelming urge to sit at the anchor desk and say things like, “How now brown cow. Unique New York. What is your name, Lanolin?” I resisted.

Continue reading

KC Live: Money Basics for Kids

KC Live Money Segment

Today I had the privilege of being a guest on Kansas City Live talking about some great toys to help parents teach kids about the basics of dollars and cents. Here are the products I featured on air and where to get them. You can also go to LearningResources.com where all the Money themed toys are 20% off!

Pretend & Play Calculator and Cash Register available at Target

Pretend and Play Cash Register

Learning Resources Smart Market available at Amazon

The Smart Market

Pretend and Play ATM Machine available at Amazon

Pretend and Play ATM

Learning Resources Money Activity Set available at Amazon

Learning Resources Money Activity Set

Pretend and Play Play Money available at Amazon

Pretend and Play Money

A big thank you to Learning Resources for the fantastic toys!

 

Under The Sea Exhibit at Crown Center

We were recently invited to the grand opening of the new FREE exhibit for kids at Crown Center. This season’s theme is “Under The Sea” so the whole area has been painted like an interactive ocean floor for kids to explore and will be open until May 7th. Unfortunately we couldn’t attend the grand opening, so I took the girls on a windy day and we started with a visit to Kuhlguy’s office. The exhibit is completely enclosed so once I took a lap through it, I felt totally comfortable sitting at the front and letting them run free. When we left we walked across the hall to the fabulous candy store to pick out one treat. Avery (5) said it was the “best day ever” and Savvy (3) is already asking when we can go back. Check out our fun day at Crown Center:

About the exhibit: Plunge into a fun, creative environment in this free exhibit that will delight kids who love to explore the deep blue sea. Little ones will discover buried treasure in a sunken pirate ship, ride a dolphin and seahorses, paddle their way to the mermaid’s house, climb inside the mouth of a whale, explore in the submarine and more in this aquatic adventure. 
_
Also cash me on Kansas City Live on KSHB tomorrow morning to see some fun toys to help teach kids about managing money.
_

IMG_3178

Continue reading

Let’s Be Alone Together.

Overall, it’s been a good week. But I detected the fumes of Mommy burnout yesterday.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of riding the waves of feeling suffocated and having the craziest biggest love wash over me when I see my girls’ little teeth as they giggle at something I say. Avery has already lost so many of her baby teeth and each one feels like a kick in the gut. Like all those nights we spent together walking around the living room in the glow of the TV because she was teething and only wanted to be rocked have come full circle. I felt so desperate and alone just doing whatever I could to coax her to sleep.

The first week we brought her home from the hospital I laid awake in terror picturing this giant digital clock counting down the 18 years until she leaves us. I still find myself exasperated with each little sign of my kids growing up. All of a sudden their legs are so long. Their oh-so-kissable cheek meat is disappearing. I’m so grateful that I get to watch them grow, but I have this gnawing feeling that it’s all going too fast. Like I’m one of those Russian nesting dolls and the smallest one is constantly in the middle of a crazy desperate meltdown, but the dolls in between us are chill and keep the little panic-stricken one mostly medicated, er,  insulated so my outer self can function.

Sometimes little voices calling “Mom!” sound like nails on a chalkboard. Sometimes I get tired of carrying around all of the dandelions they pick for me. And I feel so guilty. I know that time is flying by and I will long to hear their tiny voices, have them fall asleep on top of me, and I’ll look at dandelions and wish someone cared enough about me to pick them for me. A friend recently sent me an article that said “we’re not meant to parent for this many hours a day,” and some days it feels so true. It’s so much pressure being the person they love and hate the most. The one they treat the best and the worst.

Years ago I attended a Junior League luncheon where Hoda Kotbe told a story about when she had just been diagnosed with cancer and didn’t want anyone to know, and someone said to her, “Don’t hog your journey. It’s not just for you.” It resonated. We all have different challenges in parenting and different degrees of tragedy we have to endure, but each of our journeys are valuable to one-another and should be shared, considered and appreciated.

Now it’s Friday night. I bathed my kids, picked up toys and dog poop in the playroom, sprayed some cleaner on the carpet, then sprayed some self tanner on my ghostly white skin. Here I sit in bed, typing around the sleeping child draped across me. The glow of Octonauts on TV and the computer screen are the only light in the room. Avery is off in her dreams and I am off in my thoughts, but we are alone together.

Avery and Mommy

Hashtag Game! @ThePumpAndDump Comedy Show

KC moms it’s time for another #MKMReal hashtag game and this time I’m giving away two tickets to the Pump and Dump Comedy show at the Improv KC on Wednesday, April 5! I will be there too 🙂

What is it?

THE PUMP AND DUMP SHOW AMERICA’S ORIGINAL MOMS’ NIGHT OUT VALIDATING “BAD MOMS” EVERYWHERE BY GATHERING EVERY KIND OF MOM IN ONE ROOM FOR ONE HELLUVA NIGHT!

 

The Pump and Dump Show is a one-of-a-kind, interactive, live production designed as the ultimate respite for parents everywhere. Original music includes songs like “Parental Lovin’,” “If Daddies Made Milk,” and “Eat Your F—ing Food.” Audience members (affectionately referred to as BREEDERS) play games like “Cervix Says” and “The Most F-ed Up Thing My Kid Has Done” to win bottles of wine and other fantastic prizes from local and national sponsors. The Pump and Dump Show’s 2017 Band of Mothers Tour continues its mission to spread mom karma, give high fives and uplift and encourage moms coast to coast.

 

To enter to win two tickets just post a picture of your real mom life and use the hashtag #MKMReal and tag @ThePumpAndDump

Example: Me waiting for my child to get out of the tub. #mkmreal @ThePumpAndDump

Emily Kuhlman 5

See you there!

The Pump and Dump Theme song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzD4xzbHckU

Lies we tell ourselves

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyfd6thf4_E

Eat Your F-ing Food

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMW97mHq9I4

My TV Debut: Behind the Scenes

I recently went on Kansas City Live to do a segment on National Children’s Dental Health Month and since it was my first time being on live tv, I thought I’d share some behind-the-scenes.

First of all, how to decide what to wear, right? Luckily I have a go-to sorority sister for that. Like, one time I sent her this “cool” outfit I wore to preschool pick-up, which turned out was not cool:

Continue reading