This Dumb Barbie (*language disclaimer*)

When I started this blog almost 8 years ago, I had no idea what I was doing. If you’ve read any of my posts, you’ll not be remotely surprised by that revelation.

Two years ago I moved into a one-bedroom apartment with my daughters. Lots of life happened quickly. Writing about what I was going through was intimidating at best, subject to legal threats at worst. As the smoke billowed from my life implosion, I tried to gather up anything I had left of myself. Right about then, I got some anonymous comments from someone who went to the trouble to create various email accounts, presumably without realizing any dumb barbie could see their IP address. Seems like a lot of effort and I don’t want to be rude, so I’ve taken a year to think about it and I’d like to respond to that commenter now:

“Nothing to see here.”

-Cold, concise. Solid burn.

“Haha this dumb barbie.”

-How did you know? I still have the costume from the 2004 Tri Delta Halloween dance, but it’s really flimsy, like your comment. And it’s really tacky, like my 2004 spray tan. Here’s a picture of it with one of my besties exuding confidence and class.

“You should stop being a barbie and be useful.”

-I just told you I stopped dressing like a Barbie in college. Be useful for what? Just like, in general? The only times in my life that I’ve turned out to be useful are just as much a surprise to me as anyone else, but I’ve never thought of it as something to strive for, reputation-wise. “We should invite my friend Emily. She’s useful.” “Nah, let’s invite the dumb barbie.”

And finally,

“You’d pull that dress up a little higher for your hubby if you wanted to get me off his cock. He loves when I ride him and you wish you were there. Keep taking your little slut photos. Gives me time to ride.”

-First of all, that escalated quickly. Second of all, which dress? 

Friend, I still have a lot to say on this blog. None of it will be “useful” or directed to you again, except that you did shock me, you did make me question my validity, and you did hurt my feelings.

But I feel a little bit better now. And I honestly hope you feel better too.

Nothing to see here. 

I’ve Been Poisoned.

 

Hello you,

Thanks for being so patient with me as I upended my entire life. Quick recap: I got remarried last year and am the proud bonus mommy to two extra daughters, bringing my total to 4. My husband and I refer to them as The Blondetourage. They are so close in age that they will all someday be in high school at the same time. Please start praying for us now.

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I’m honored that you’re checking back in with me after all this time. I have journals filled with topics I’ve wanted to talk about with you. Whenever I’ve thought about sitting down to write to you, my brain swirls with words that evoke very deep emotions within me and I get caught in a rip tide of memories that can never fully reach the surface; words like divorce, one-bedroom apartment, going back to work, making ends meet, child support, coparenting, betrayal, lawyers, courtrooms, humility, disappointment, and abandonment by friends I thought would stand by me through anything. I pride myself on the fact that what I share with you is real, so trying to sugarcoat anything just for the sake of explaining it seems like a boring waste of time for all of us.

But today I feel inspired because I have something important to declare…

Happily, I’ve been poisoned.

With Botox.

These past few months trudging through the trenches of blending a family of 6 during the unprecedented restrictions of life in quarantine, I’ve often lamented, ‘when, oh when will this deadly virus be over so I can safely leave my home to go pay someone an exorbitant amount of money to inject poison directly into my face?’

And today was finally that day. Vain and frivolous? Obviously. A sign of return to normalcy? Also yes.

I’m telling you this because writing makes me really happy. Your feedback makes me feel seen and understood. Your comments make me laugh out loud. I’ve missed you so much. Let’s get back to sharing and laughing. And in the words of one Mr. James Buffett, “If we weren’t all crazy, we’d all go insane.” (Source: Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes)

Expressive and expressionless,

Emily

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Actual Things: Unmarried Dot Com

Dear friends,

I’ve had a cold so long I can barely remember what it’s like to not have a cold. As I was lying in bed last night still hacking after a second dose of Nyquil and some good old fashioned night soup*, I started to get really fed up. (*Night soup is that thing where you are so desperate to stop coughing you get up at 1am, make soup to eat in bed, spill some of it on yourself and then pray you don’t die of an accidental cold med overdose leaving your children to find your puffy-faced body in a bed full of used tissues in the morning.) I decided to refocus on tranquility by saying all my thank you prayers. Since I’ve been Catholic most of my life I have a habit of ending my prayers with the sign of the cross, only last night instead of the traditional “Amen” I realized I accidentally ended my prayer with, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and The Holy Spirit, Dot Com.”

So there I was, wheeze-laughing in the dark in m’soup-stained tank top…

This brings me to my second actual thing. I overslept. Which means my kids overslept. Which means we had approximately 9 minutes for a 12 minute drive. By some miracle of traffic patterns, we coasted up to the door with about 15 seconds to spare as I tossed backpacks into the backseat like they were life jackets on a sinking ship. As I watched my sweet blonde cherubs head for the front door I rolled down the window and started shouting things like, “LET’S MOVE! LOOK ALIVE! I WANNA SEE KNEES TO CHEST!” It really put a pep in their step and I’m thinking that maybe I should start wearing a coach whistle to drop off.

It’s a good thing I’m such a natural motivator because kids can be so inconsiderate, am I right? Like, I didn’t leave the house bra-less in a soup-stained tank top and accelerate through four yellow lights for you to mosey in 20 seconds after the bell and make me look like a bad mom.

Thirdly, and this is a biggie: I got unmarried a while ago. For months now I’ve mulled over when and how to share this information publicly, but the more I thought about it, the more all of your comments over the past years came flooding back and reminded me that I should just keep it real. It wasn’t in the plan for the original fairy tale ending, but I still got a lot of fairy tale moments over the years that can never be undone.

So I’m back to writing. As a single mom, I assure you I have a backlog of material to share with you. If you’re reading this, please know that I appreciate you. I hope you’ll forgive my absence and come back with all of your hilarious feedback I treasure so much.

And those are the actual things.

Love, Emily

 

Alternate Titles:

Working On My Night Soup

Accelerating Through Yellow Lights: A Philosophy For Life

Unmarried With Children

Fairy Tale Middles

I want to sneak in a HUGE thank you shout out to the many, many supportive women friends who have been true bright spots through this cloudy, unpredictable season of my life. Here are a few of them:

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My House Is For Sale!

Hi friends…

I know I’ve been away for a few minutes, but this should partly explain why. Remodeling then getting a house ready to sell is no joke. Confession: I’m one of those creepy people that likes to go through open houses when I’m not even house hunting just to see (and judge silently) what other people are doing with their decor. So today I give you a peek into my own house, which has been painted “neutral” for mass appeal which I don’t Love-love, but I’m still very proud of the home I raised my babies in for five years, creating a lot of wonderful mommy memories and putting a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into the details. The open house is this Sunday from 1pm-3pm. Please share with your friends who may be looking in the Overland Park area!

https://www.reecenichols.com/homes-for-sale/9500-W-144th-Terrace-Overland-Park-KS-66221-266936976

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Continue reading

Holding It Together: Getting Your Head Straight Without A Head Injury (Preferably)

Yesterday I had six staples removed from the back of my head. (I am going to spare you the gross “before” pictures but let me just say, getting them pried out was no picnic either.)

About a week and a half ago, I was scooting a chair out when I fell backwards onto my neighbors’ stone tile floor. Continue reading

KC Live: The COOLEST Bath Toys for Toddlers (And gerbils?)

“So there I was, alone in a Ritz Carlton, crying into my used/hotel-issued ‘luxury’ bathrobe”….is a way I could start more than one story. But for now,  I’ll stick to Monday night. It was my own fault, in that I drank a bunch of white wine and turned on Mamma Mia on Netflix. If you have a little girl and think you could watch Meryl Streep sing this song without drunk-crying, fight me. Continue reading