So because something always seems to happen right before I’m booked for a segment, I was suspicious of how smoothly my morning was going. Then my four year old got out of bed to come say good morning and I realized she had cut her own hair into a mullet last night while the babysitter was over. Some people may view this as no big deal or a rite of passage, but I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut and I wanted to scream. Rightfully, Savvy was very ashamed and upset, but as I comforted and reassured her, my husband quietly and correctly saw that inside I was getting very close to having a stroke. As she shuffled off to find her doll, I could see the terror in his eyes as he braced himself for the white hot rage that was clearly steaming out of my pores. Luckily, there was no time for me to throw a fit, so I bottled it up to let it ferment like a fine wine and headed to the TV station. Continue reading
Actual things that happened before this segment: at 9pm on Sunday I realized I needed a drill to put together the Tot Tower. My husband was on a plane to Chicago and our drill is MIA and probably dead, but luckily my neighbors are an incredibly nice Canadian couple with grown children and the husband was able to come over and help me put it together. He really had the best joke when I said, “thanks! I’ll give you a shoutout tomorrow!” and he said in his endearing Canadian accent, “Oh, hey, don’t do that. I don’t want people saying I was over screwin’ at the neighbors house.”
Cut to Monday morning: after making breakfast for two dogs and two kids, packing lunches, dressing Avery in spirit wear, packing not one, but two halloween costumes for Savannah’s preschool party, showering, doing my full hair and makeup, going over my talking points and loading my car with all of the things for my segment, I was trying to get us out the door to school with my hands full and my plastic cup of crystal light hanging from my teeth (moms know this move) when I stepped down the garage stairs and splashed crystal light DIRECTLY IN MY EYEBALL and all over my face. I was completely blind for 45 seconds as my eye burned with the fire of a thousand suns. My brain went into damage control denial, like, “This is fine. I’ll just wear sunglasses for the segment and go to the ER afterwards. I can totally drive with one eye.” Luckily I regained vision in time to see the tributaries of black eye makeup streaming down the left side of my previously contoured face. But there was NO TIME, so I grabbed an old paper towel off the floor of my car to wipe off the black makeup before it dried, made it to school drop off, then went to the TV station where I had approximately two minutes to fix my face before I was on live TV, 8 minutes into the show.
I know I said I’d post my TV segment details yesterday, but I have something else on my mind so that’s going to wait.
I recently spent a few days with our friends’ preteen daughters and they had lots of questions, everything from what I was like when I was their age to what I’d change about my appearance. They were so pure and yet so cautious of being judged. It got me thinking back. I once read something to the effect of, if you don’t have a weird friend, you are the weird friend. Continue reading
Sometimes in the pool we play trivia and the girls (Avery 6 and Savvy 4) take turns “impressing” me with their knowledge while we float around…
Me: Who’s the President?
Savvy: JIMMY FALLON!
Avery: Donald Trump.
Me: And who was president before him?
Me: And who was the other candidate besides Donald Trump? Remember? The woman candidate?
Avery: I don’t know…
Oh wait, yes I do! Celery! Celery Hilton!
Me: What state do we live in?
Avery: Kansas. Duh, Savvy America is where the President lives in the White House.
Me: I think you mean Washington DC.
Avery: Yeah. It’s super far away in Canada.
Me: Um, okay switching categories…What does Bonjour mean?
Avery: It means Hello.
Savvy: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!
Me: How do you say Hello in Spanish?
Avery (high-pitched): Yoo-hoo!
On the way out, Avery took a drink from the fountain and then helpfully notified the children and mother nearby that “This water fountain tastes like martini water.”
So I guess the take-away is that what Savvy lacks in knowledge, she makes up for in supreme confidence, enthusiasm, and volume. And I don’t know what to do about Avery, but I do know that my new alter-ego is a socialite named Celery Hilton who drinks martini water at the pool and calls out “Yoo-hoo!” to greet people Spanish.
Here are some of my favorite pictures from Summer Seventeen so far:
Today I had to take Savvy(3) to the doctor with me to get my blood drawn. She watched curiously and asked lots of questions of the nurse. As we were walking to the car:
Savvy: “Mommy, is that nurse going to keep your blood?”
Me: “No, she’ll send it to a lab.”
Savvy *knowingly*: “Oh. Which one?”
Me: “…I have no idea…”
*This is George: the lab. He is NOT a licensed medical professional. Please do not let him convince you otherwise.
The other day my bestie sent our group this text and I have been randomly laughing about it ever since:
Cut to today, as I’m on my way home from preschool drop-off I come to a car at a stoplight and see this little gray-haired couple sitting together in the back seat. I was imagining them holding hands and bickering over the best route as their daughter drove them to a doctors appointment…
Then I realized it’s a freaking POODLE!
And through my hysterical laughter all I can think is, “Good God, Doreen, your perm looks awful!”
I spend most hours of my life with my kids. And they like to
run their mouths gab. Whenever they say something worth remembering, I use Facebook as a lazy-ass modern alternative to a traditional baby book so I can capture the moment, well, in the moment.
Here are some actual conversations I’ve captured with my children Avery (5) and Savvy (3) lately:
*Picking up the girls from school*
Me:”How was Teddy Bear day at preschool?”
Savvy: “Good. I saw a wiener.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Savvy: “I just kidding!”
Me: “Why would you even tell Mommy that?!”
Savvy: “Wieners are so funny!”
*a beat of silence as I debate whether or not to admit I agree*
Avery *flinging the car door open whilst shouting like a doomsday prophet on a street corner): “GEORGE WASHINGTON DIED IN HIS OWN BED!”
Naturally the members of my family now enjoy shouting this out at random.
Avery: “Savvy, if you don’t behave we’re going to sell you to the market for pork.”
Avery: “Do bunnies smell good?”
Me: “I don’t know, I’ve never smelled a bunny.”
Avery: “No. Like, do they have a good sense of smell? Why would you smell a bunny?”
Me: “I don’t know. I thought it was a strange question.”
*Savvy and I at McDonald’s, both wearing Ugg boots.*
Old lady with white hair (talking to Savvy): “What happened to your forehead??”
Savvy: “It’s a birthmark.”
Old lady with white hair (to Savvy): “I knew a little boy with one of those and they had to cut it off his face! Well you’re a pretty little girl anyway. I like your boots!” *looks at me* “Those Ugg boots only look good on children. And they are way too expensive.”
Savvy: “I had a grandma with white hair but she’s dead.”
Normally I call her out on all of her egregious lies, but I let this one slide.
*Our pomeranian Mr. Biffles nips Avery on the ankle.*
Avery (*shouting down at the puppy and gesticulating wildly): “I DON’T WANT TO BE COVERED IN BLOOD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!”
Me: “He’s six pounds and his teeth are smaller than grains of rice. Settle down.”
Avery (completely calm): “I know. I was just warning him to make a point.”
Savvy: “Guess what my skin is made out of…”
Savvy: “Glorious meat.”
This has prompted me to start proclaiming things like, “THE GLORIOUS MEAT HAS RISEN. THE GLORIOUS MEAT DEMANDS WAFFLES.” My new goal in life is to write her wedding announcement for the newspaper with the line, “…and the bride wore glorious meat.”
Me: “Where’s your little sister?”
Avery *casually*: “Oh, you know.”
Me: “No. I don’t know.”
Avery: “She’s in the family room relaxing in a giant turtle shell I made out of toys and trash.”
I took one fifteen minute shower, people
My parents’ dog Annie died last year and since they live on a ranch in the country, they buried her in a corner of the yard and planted some lovely flowers. My mom walked the girls over to show them that they could come visit Annie’s grave whenever they missed her.
Avery: “So Annie’s actually in there?”
Mom (*delicately tiptoeing around discussion of the afterlife): “Well, yes, but her spirit isn’t there, it’s only her body.”
Avery: “Just her body?”
Avery: “No head?”
And last but not least, probably one of the darkest days in dog-shaming history:
Today I was offered a shoulder rub by a vagrant loitering outside of Sprouts.
I seriously considered it. I even thought what if it’s a trick and he does something sneaky like grabs my boob real quick; then I decided it would still be totally worth the risk for a good shoulder rub. Then I looked at his long scraggly beard and thought how a microscopic bug could easily jump out of it and onto my head and I’d get a free massage but also lice. As I assessed the risk I noticed it was time to pick up Avery from school, so my dilemma solved itself.
I recently went on Kansas City Live to do a segment on National Children’s Dental Health Month and since it was my first time being on live tv, I thought I’d share some behind-the-scenes.
First of all, how to decide what to wear, right? Luckily I have a go-to sorority sister for that. Like, one time I sent her this “cool” outfit I wore to preschool pick-up, which turned out was not cool:
Waking up from a dream is always such a mind-bender for a second. You’re either disappointed or relieved even though nothing in reality has changed, just your perspective.
So I had a fantastic dream last night, it made me feel so happy. Good dreams are so valuable and mysterious. It’s like there’s a little genie in your brain rewarding you, rolling out a magic carpet as he croons “I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD…..”