#MommyBombing

I got the idea for this post when I was volunteering at my daughter’s school and a fellow mom acquaintance dropped a snide comment on me that had me like,

The Audacity

Lucille Bluth

So I posted a call on my social media for what I’m referring to as “mommy-bombing” stories, meaning those verbal grenades lobbed by fellow parents during an otherwise friendly conversation that leave you like:

Excuse me what just happened

And you guys did not disappoint! So here, edited for brevity, is a gold mine of your experiences with Mommy-bombing:

ON FOOD…

I took my son to my husband’s work for their company Trick or Treat event even though he’s too little for candy. He was just happy to wear a costume and have people put things in his basket, so no big deal. Until another mom starts eyeing his basket and says, “We don’t celebrate with candy or food.” Oh, I’m sorry, then why are you at an event that is literally all about candy?

As I was giving my child some processed Gerber treat, my neighbor said, “You don’t buy Earth’s Best Organic?” Are you a rep for them or something?

My niece: Can I have some of his (my son’s) fruit snacks?
Me: Of course.
My sister-in-law (to my niece): NO. We don’t eat those, we eat real fruit.

“Are you seriously feeding your children hot dogs? Are you trying to give them cancer?” Yes, yes I am. On purpose

AND THE ONLY DAD WHO RESPONDED AND ALSO GETS THE AWARD FOR BEST HASHTAG:

Them: “Junior ate peas, carrots and grilled duck for the first time.”
Me: Really? Mine screamed at the heart-shaped PBJ so she ate Cheez-its and a bottle of milk for dinner. #getoveryourself

ON PREGNANCY…

I was pregnant with one baby and someone asked if I was carrying “twins or triplets.”

 —

I had a bomb thrown at me and lobbed it right back.  Lady at JoAnns: How far along are you?

Me: Five months.

Her: You’re a pretty good size, aren’t you!

Me *innocently smiling and nodding*: So are you!

“You’ll lose your pregnancy weight soon enough!” Someone said this to me totally out of nowhere when my daughter was 1 week old. I was just like, UM let’s let my vagina heal first, thanks.

 —

When I was pregnant and wrestling with 18 month twins, some mom at Target was like: “You do know how you get pregnant, right?”

When you announce you’re pregnant and you have a somewhat young child already: “Oh wow, that didn’t take long,” or my favorite, “So I take it that was a surprise?”

I was 9 months pregnant and had a Starbucks cup with steamed milk in it when I heard, “Coffee?? I thought you weren’t supposed to have coffee when pregnant.” I was feeling snarky that day and my actual response was “You are correct. I am trying to kill the baby.”

 THE ‘I COULD NEVER’ MOMMY-BOMBERS…

Her: “I don’t know how you  stand it!?”

Me: “What?”

Her: “Well, I could never let Morgan cry like that.”

 —

Me: “I have 3 children.”
Her: “I could never do that! You just can’t give everyone the attention they deserve.”

 —

God forbid you ever want to go on an adults-only vacation. I’ve gotten so much side eye from saying I don’t really want to do vacation with my small children yet and would rather it be just us grown-ups until they’re a little older. “Oh, we could never go by ourselves. We actually want to spend time with our kids.”

“I don’t know how you can travel so much… I couldn’t be away from my kids so often.”

“I could never send my kid to daycare, I don’t want to miss everything,” say multiple library patron moms when talking to me after doing story time for their children AT MY FULL-TIME JOB as a Librarian.

Talking about how wonderful my nanny is to someone and she says, “I don’t know how you work full time…I could never sit back and watch someone else raise my children.”  Then she asked if I was “worried” my 8 month old had a “stronger bond” with our nanny than with me.

Me: I just signed up the boys for the Y summer program, are you going to?

Her (looking horrified): “Oh my goodness no! That is just not something I would ever send them to or pay for….(realization setting in that I’m still standing there) I mean, it’s okay for you…you work and have no choice, but we like to enjoy these limited summer moments together creating adventures and memories.”

 —

THE THINLY-VEILED MOMMY-BOMB…

“It’s so cool you let your kids get so dirty! I’ve read that kids that play in the dirt don’t get allergies. My kids have SO many allergies.”

Once when my daughter was crying at gymnastics another mom just raised her eyebrows at me and said out loud, “Eeesh.”

*Upon finding out we have a nanny* “He doesn’t get confused about who his mom really is?”

I was holding my daughter when she was two and a half and some mom said, “She’s going to have to walk someday.”

“You STILL live downtown… with kids??”

“Where’s the baby? At home with Dad again?” Yes that is her father and he helped me do this.

Me: “We do daycare part time and my husband stays home with the baby two days a week.”
Her: “Really! You must be so jealous of your husband!”

As someone who kept my maiden name, I’m often asked by other moms if I’m “sad” that my biological children and I don’t share a surname.

When people realize our kids are adopted: “You didn’t want to have *your own*?”

Me: “Wow! That’s so great that you can visit the museum that often.”
Her: “Well, I just make it a priority. Anyone can.”

Her: “I stopped using candles and any of those air fresheners – I care way too much about my kids to let them breathe in those cancer fumes.”

 —

Me * talking about how I could really use a break.

Her: “I’ve just never felt like I needed to be apart from them, I love my kids! But you do you.”

UNSOLICITED PARENTING TIPS…

 I was in a playgroup and a mom was asking for advice about helping her baby sleep through the night. I suggested starting a night time routine (bath, pjs, feed, sing, sleep). She looked me straight in the eye and replied sternly, “Babies are only supposed to bathe once a week until 8 weeks old.”

While my 1 1/2 year old was staring at YouTube on my phone while we were waiting to pick up his sister, another preschool mom goes, “Screen time this young slows down speech development. Just something to watch.”

The seasoned-Mom-bomb… “You’re only on your first, wait until you have more, then you will (see things from my specific POV because obviously it’s more valid than yours since I have more than one child).”

I was at the Northwestern University Women’s Center of all places, telling a mother-to-be about how Amazon Prime is an awesome way to get your diapers, wipes, and formula when this lady swooped in and goes, “Do you know how bad disposable diapers are for the environment? And all that packaging and shipping required when you order online?? People should really know better by now.”

Woman on a plane sitting behind me and my 9 month old told me he was crying because his ears hurt and I should give him GUM. Great idea lady. If he chokes, the crying will stop!

 —

IN THE FAMILY…

Mother-in-law: “Don’t you think it’s unfair that the baby has to play with her brothers’ old cast-offs? We wouldn’t want her thinking she was a boy, would we?” Um. 1) She’s 6 months old so she’s perfectly happy playing with toys that are not gender specific. 2) Why does she have to play with “girl” toys in the first place?

My mom *to my child*: “Don’t worry, Nana’s here to take care of you now!”

 

My MIL used to come over and first thing she’d do was say, “Oh this baby’s diaper is SOPPING wet!”

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITES FROM THESE COMPLETELY SAVAGE MOMS…

My mom: “I guess you don’t want me to change her bib even though it stinks.”

Me: “Mom, there are more bibs in her bag, you can change it.”

My mom: “I mean since you hadn’t done it yet I assumed you wanted her to stay in it.” *Then she says to my daughter* “Do you even know what a bath feels like?!”

My mom talking about my son: “Well, we don’t give him junk food when he’s here because frankly we don’t even know if he’s had a vegetable in the last two weeks when we have him.” What the hell, Mom?

COMMENTS THAT MADE ME LAUGH…

Dude, daycare fees are non-refundable, so YES I have dropped my kids off at daycare on days I have off work, because 1. Sh*t won’t get done otherwise 2. I need to be “off” sometimes so I can feel refreshed and be nice 3. Sh*t won’t get done otherwise!

The moms that don’t leave their kids for longer than a poop the first 5 years – there’s no trophy, lady!

People do what they gotta do for economic, emotional, cultural and pragmatic reasons. It’s so silly and pointless to judge. But to be clear, I’m totally okay with judging those who judge.

Facebook needs an eye-roll option just for all the stories that involve mothers-in-law.

And when someone was so moved by a story it resulted in this concise, yet poignant response:

“Asshat.”

 —

When I mention a TV show my son is into, I have this one friend who always says something to the effect of, “My daughter doesn’t know about any of that, we don’t watch TV.” Her child was also potty trained at 17 months and only plays with wooden toys.

Which was followed by this fellow Facebook user’s hilarious addition:

 “Lurleen is being raised Amish, so churning butter is her TV.

AND PERHAPS THE BEST RESPONSE OF ALL, THE SELF-AWARE MOMMY-BOMBER. BECAUSE WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES…

I hate to admit it, but I did this to another mom the other day. It was right after our schools’ open house and as we were walking out, a mom who’s daughter is a way more advanced reader than mine was trying to commiserate with me about how much work it is to prep for spelling tests. All I could think to myself was that my daughter was at least 6 months behind her daughter, so instead of agreeing with her about how stressful it is for both of us, I teased her about being “so Type A” and then I started singing Let It Go. I felt like an ass and sent her an email apology as soon as I got home.

So let’s all lift our glasses to the non asshats of the world. May we know them! May we be them! May we raise them!

Mom Squad

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR SUBMITTING THESE! WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES?

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