Today I was offered a shoulder rub by a vagrant loitering outside of Sprouts.
I seriously considered it. I even thought what if it’s a trick and he does something sneaky like grabs my boob real quick; then I decided it would still be totally worth the risk for a good shoulder rub. Then I looked at his long scraggly beard and thought how a microscopic bug could easily jump out of it and onto my head and I’d get a free massage but also lice. As I assessed the risk I noticed it was time to pick up Avery from school, so my dilemma solved itself.
While driving, I heard a radio commercial for men’s deodorant, in which a man is pleasantly surprised at the scent of the deodorant and exclaims, “it’s quite masculine!” and then ends it with an enthusiastic testimonial, “Now my underarms aren’t the worst-smelling thing at the gym anymore!” I was like, first of all, they never were. It’s always been something else, and not to be indelicate, but it rhymes with dolls…so your change in deodorant scent is really a lateral move in the grand scheme, pal. Also what dude is concerned about how his armpits smell at the gym? I have to assume the ad was written by some sort of hipster ad guy who thinks gym memberships are gauche and rides an old-timey bike for exercise and uses words like tonic and vigor and regimen.
Then I wondered if the scraggly-bearded man used to be a hipster and life just took a weird turn because if I was an ex-hipster-turned-vagrant I would totally loiter outside of a Sprouts. If I’m him, I’m thinking Sprouts people are chill. They’re not as easily shaken as the family crowds at Hy-Vee and I don’t need the side-eye from all the wealthy a-holes over at Whole Foods.
I didn’t end up getting close enough to him to know for sure, but I’m fairly certain his scent would have been quite masculine.