Actual Things: Sprouts

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Today I was offered a shoulder rub by a vagrant loitering outside of Sprouts.

I seriously considered it. I even thought what if it’s a trick and he does something sneaky like grabs my boob real quick; then I decided it would still be totally worth the risk for a good shoulder rub. Then I looked at his long scraggly beard and thought how a microscopic bug could easily jump out of it and onto my head and I’d get a free massage but also lice. As I assessed the risk I noticed it was time to pick up Avery from school, so my dilemma solved itself.

While driving, I heard a radio commercial for men’s deodorant, in which a man is pleasantly surprised at the scent of the deodorant and exclaims, “it’s quite masculine!” and then ends it with an enthusiastic testimonial, “Now my underarms aren’t the worst-smelling thing at the gym anymore!” I was like, first of all, they never were. It’s always been something else, and not to be indelicate, but it rhymes with dolls…so your change in deodorant scent is really a lateral move in the grand scheme, pal. Also what dude is concerned about how his armpits smell at the gym? I have to assume the ad was written by some sort of hipster ad guy who thinks gym memberships are gauche and rides an old-timey bike for exercise and uses words like tonic and vigor and regimen.

Then I wondered if the scraggly-bearded man used to be a hipster and life just took a weird turn because if I was an ex-hipster-turned-vagrant I would totally loiter outside of a Sprouts. If I’m him, I’m thinking Sprouts people are chill. They’re not as easily shaken as the family crowds at Hy-Vee and I don’t need the side-eye from all the wealthy a-holes over at Whole Foods.

I didn’t end up getting close enough to him to know for sure, but I’m fairly certain his scent would have been quite masculine.



2 thoughts on “Actual Things: Sprouts

  1. I’m glad you took a pass on that rub! He very well could have rubbed you the wrong way! And he might have put so much vigor into his massage regimen that it wouldn’t have been the tonic you were seeking. 😍Why do some hipsterettes think it’s best not to shave? Legs or underarms. Why is that a thing? Tres European? Just a question on my mind.

    • Haha, well said! I wouldn’t have minded vigor as long as it was limited to my shoulders. This sadly illustrates how desperate I am for a back rub. And as for the hipsters, I guess someone’s got to keep the beard oil industry growing. 🙂

Hearing from you always makes my day:

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