Alternate post title: Feeling Clueless
“…so, kids, the reason some people aren’t allowed into our country right now is because, unlike us, they aren’t Christian and they weren’t born in America, where as we are totally allowed here because we are blessed by a Jewish guy from the Middle East who loves everyone, which is why it’s like, our country motto and stuff.
Also, if you ever want to get married, an acceptable way to find someone is to compete with strangers to marry another stranger, which may sound scary, but hear me out…you get a rose. And there’s an open bar.
One more thing, whatever you do, do NOT go near bees. Bees are terrible and everyone hates them. But also, you need to educate yourself and care deeply about what will happen to the planet if all the bees disappear because that would be cray bad. Worse than bees, even.
Oh, speaking of bees and honey, sugar is the most delicious thing ever and also it causes cancer. And so does artificial sugar. And meat. But also be careful about eating vegetables because they might be genetically modified.
Let’s see…what else, what else….”
-My actual life as a parent in America right now.