Getaway: Omni Scottsdale at Montelucia

If you follow me on IG (@MrsKansasMommy) you probably know I recently tagged along with my husband last minute on a business trip to Scottsdale.

We got up at 4:30am to make it to the airport. Safely on board, we pulled away from the gate, only to have the captain come out (he had a Mike Ditka mustache and was wearing a huge wedding band full of diamonds, which I found noteworthy) to tell us that the plane is “broken” so we are going back, deplaning, and getting on another plane. However, the delivery was infused with a lot of jokes and was unnecessarily lengthy. You could tell that in his head he was like, “pause for laughter…these people are loving me!” Ugh.

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Finally in the air on the way to Phoenix, Kevin worked  while I drank 2 bloody Mary’s and had pleasant xanax-laced dreams for three hours while I listened to the Hamilton soundtrack. (OBSESSED!!!)

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If there’s one thing I love, it’s vacation pictures…
I always force Kevin into getting “fun” ones. This resulted in the idea of Kevin climbing the orange tree outside our patio. Turns out orange trees have large spikes so it nearly ended badly, but I was able to get this epic picture which looks to me like a very tasteful nude.

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I opted for a #RealHousewife In A Tree pose:

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We had dinner at Prado on the resort property where I had a Seafood Cioppino, which was  tomato broth with mussels, clams, shrimp, scallops and white fish with grilled bread. It was literally one of the top ten best  meals I’ve ever had in my life. We dined al fresco next to the gorgeous fountains and it was a heavenly change of pace from eating Macaroni and Cheese while standing at our kitchen island.

Wednesday was a pool day. By which I mean Kevin sat in a cabana and worked while I napped in the sun and made friends with a charming groundskeeper named Fidel.

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We went to a restaurant called El Chorro which was supposed to be fantastic but it was terrible. Bad food, bad ambiance, bad service. We did get a cute picture of us though, so there’s that:

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Kevin stresses greatly over the mechanics of social media which is why he barely ever posts, but over dinner he wanted to post the cute picture of us. He had initially captioned it with the Drake Lyrics, “At least you got to witness, bitches.” But then decided he wanted to write something sentimental instead so he told me to delete the Drake part for him.  I obliged and handed the phone back to him, he typed in a new caption and we went about our night. In the morning I’m scrollin’ mah’apps and finally see his post (which I am not tagged in because he put the # instead of the @) and it’s this incredibly sweet caption about what an amazing woman I am and how Instagram does not do me justice. And then he ended it with, “bitches.”

He was like, “YOU SAID YOU DELETED THAT!” and I was like, *shrug* and then he goes into this whole thing about this is why he never “tweets” by which he means “posts” on Instagram and Facebook but I just can’t stop laughing about the inappropriateness of it all and now it’s a whole thing, and we cannot stop saying it. “What time is it?””It’s 7:30… Bitches.” Please start ending all your messages to him on social media this way. @Kuhlguy

Speaking of time, a tattooed woman at the pool who had been ordering straight tequilas asked us what time it was, but then barked, “in REAL time! CALIFORNIA time!” We were like geez, lady, have another drink while we Kansans wash out our underwear and socks in the hot tub.

The last day we went to the fancy place on the resort for breakfast. Kevin looked dapper in his suit (he was headed to court) whereas I rolled out of bed and put on jeans and a lightweight baggy sweatshirt so I wouldn’t have to put on a bra; don’t worry, I have the chest of a slightly overweight male teenager so no one even notices.

The restaurant was beautiful with high ceilings, oil paintings and Spanish guitar music. We were surrounded by freshly shaved, suited up business people ready to take on the day. I ordered the bagel and lox and when I unrolled the first big piece of salmon, instead of putting it on my bagel I (hilariously) pretended like I was going to tuck it into my sweatshirt like a napkin bib. Kevin was mildly disgusted, which was at least a reaction.

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I told my parents about this and they agreed it was a hilarious thing to do. So…I guess the moral of this one is play to your audience. Kevin said I was “giggly, snarky and unbearable today.” I don’t know why this man keeps inviting me places.

I spent the last morning at the pool with Andy Cohen’s book. I went to the cafe to get a Coke Zero and struck up a conversation with the girl at the counter in which I heard myself say that the pool was too cold but the hot tub was too hot and she was like, “Yeah, I’ve never been in the pool here.” Then I had an out of body experience seeing what an A-hole #ScottsdaleEmily is and tried to make up for it by eagerly joking, “Vacation problems, right?” And then playfully awkwardly adding “Who do I think I am!” And then I speed walked out the door and in my haste hit another hotel worker who was on her way in. She was a lovely 5 foot tall Hispanic woman in a professional black suit where as I was an 8 foot tall, mildly sweaty blonde in a magenta swimsuit cover up and I literally almost knocked her out with the door. I can only imagine the conversation they had.

Kevin and I were going to meet at the airport, but he ended up getting stuck at his meeting so I sat at the terminal bar and made friends, which is a family tradition. (My Grandma, Betty Jean, once missed her flight because they said they could deplane really quick to use the bathroom and she went to the airport bar instead and the plane left without her.) The strangers who ended up sitting next to me were named George and Carl. George is my dog’s name and Carl is my parents’ dog’s name, so we took a picture together and sent it to my mom. They played along but I could tell they were very reluctant to be photographed with me as they didn’t find the dog names coincidence to be as funny and exciting as I did. I’m sure they would be equally excited to know I put the picture here on my blog. You can just sense the awkwardness, as they didn’t know me, or each other, but at least they were groomed and well-behaved (dog joke. I don’t know why they didn’t like me…)

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For the record, we loved the Omni Montelucia. It feels almost like renting a cabin rather than staying at a hotel. The only negative I’d say compared to the Phoenician or Ocatilla at the Biltmore is that the other two places have hospitality rooms with fresh fruit and drinks you can get throughout the day. At the Omni you’re pretty much on your own so next time we stay there I’ll know to stop at a grocery store on the way to the resort. (I need access to free food and drinks at all times.)

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I came back with a new found respect for how much my husband actually has to work on his work trips. I always picture him in these beautiful places while I’m stuck at home, but he pretty much just works the entire time or is stuck at the airport.

If you are loving any of my vacation accessories, you have a fabulous opportunity until Wednesday March 16th to shop the Cocktails & Chemo fundraiser trunk show benefiting young wives and widows when they need it the most. Get these faves for your next getaway and know that you are helping very deserving cancer caregivers! FUNDRAISER SHOPPING LINK

vacation essentials stelladot

Lightning Necklace – Lightweight and delicate.

City Slim Clutch – The geo crystal detail on this is everything.

Union Square Tribal Scarf – This can be worn so many ways. Noticed I used it as a travel blanket AND a kimono for the pool.

Arabesque Cocktail Ring – I love traveling with this because it’s a big statement that takes up virtually no space. The size is adjustable so you can wear it on different fingers and it’s only $29 so it makes a great gift as well!

Thanks so much for your support!

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4 thoughts on “Getaway: Omni Scottsdale at Montelucia

  1. I live vicariously through your amazing story telling, I wonder if you could make my vacations sound like they are as much fun as yours! Great Blog

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