I celebrated by taking George to the vet. When I made the appointment on the phone, the woman confirmed the time and said, “Oh and make sure to bring his paperwork from the shelter.” Got it. Then she added, “Also a stool sample less than 6 hours old that’s been refrigerated.” Excuse me? Paperwork and what?
Despite my best efforts, I could not catch George ‘in the act’ so I walked around the backyard looking for something, uh, ‘fresh?’ No luck.
Defeated, I came back in and as I leaned down to help Avery, I got a whiff of something very fresh. On my shoe, my new shoe. My first thought: “I can just scrape this off into a baggie!” As I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror slipping a ziplock full of grassy poop into my ivory leather handbag, I had a follow-up thought: my life has now come to the point where I’m delighted at the convenience of having stepped in dog sh*t. A new low? Perhaps. However I’m virtually immune to embarrassment anymore.
Last night we went to see my niece Riley play her first official college volleyball game. They were the visiting team, but she had a whole cheering section front and center.
As we watched, my mother asked me about 37 questions about why they do this or that, how the points are scored, why they rotate, what the rules are, etc, etc. Which would have been fine if she had never been to a game before, but I actually played volleyball in high school and presumably she watched. Apparently not. #FourthChildProbz
In The News
Then I said to my husband, “You know, as cynical as I am, it never even crossed my mind to look up if your email address was on the Ashley Madison list. Did you look to see if mine was on there?”
And he got a puzzled look for a second and then said, “Wow! I didn’t even think about the fact that there are married women on there!” Which I thought was politely sexist.
You know what I think would be more embarrassing for most women? If someone hacked into our Pinterest accounts and made all our “Secret” boards public. Guys everywhere would be like, “Uh, why do you have this board titled “John + Alicia June 2016 Wedding!!!”? We just met last week.”
The next few weeks will be busy, but I’m hoping to get a blog post up here or there. Luckily I’ve left you with all of these profound thoughts.
P.S. A related thought: Do you guys ever get nervous about posting on social media right before you get on an airplane because it could be the last thing you put out into the world? I always feel like I should post a picture of myself volunteering at a halfway house for ex-police dogs who got hooked on crack because they couldn’t take the pressure. That way if the plane goes down and they do a news story about all the people on the flight, it would leave a favorable impression of me instead of something I’d actually rather post, like a guy waiting in line for Cinnabon with his buttcrack showing.
Well…I can see this is going south.
To all the weirdos who just found this blog using search terms like “poop,” “Ashley Madison,” and “buttcrack,” welcome to Mrs. Kansas Mommy. You shan’t be disappointed.