The Partly Tipsy Patriot

If you’ve never read Sarah Vowell’s book The Partly Cloudy Patriot, you should. Actually all her books are good.

Last week I went to a fabulous cocktail party where I ran into an actual US Congressman that said he’s read my blog. It was almost the best thing that happened that night. The best thing that happened was when I walked up to join a conversation between my husband and some random guy and not knowing that I was Kevin’s wife, he stopped me and said “You’re pretty. Be quiet.” Um, excuse meeee, Don Draper. My husband and I have been laughing about it for days.  

Anyway, I didn’t ask how the Congressman came across my blog but I’m assuming the NSA guys were talking about it in the break room after I wrote this literary review and now they all gather around someone’s iPad during chamber breaks at the Capitol to read my latest. So let me know if you have any policy stuff you want me to weave into my hair tutorials. (Did you see what I did there? Did you see…) I’m basically an inadvertent lobbyist for the Suave dry shampoo industry with (what I assume to be) many, many politicians and world leaders among my readership. (Waiting for my free case, Suave!)

Fun fact, in the summer of 2010, there was a kitten born with faces on both sides of its head. This happened to coincide with my first week on the job at a political consulting firm. I was called into the big office for a brainstorming meeting along with another guy, who was the oldest and most seasoned in the office. I think he was like 26. We had a TV that was always on one of the various news networks and the kitten made headlines, prompting me to turn to my new coworker and say, “Oh my gosh, that cat has two faces!” And without missing a beat, he said You’re in politics now, get used to it.” Boom! It was one of the greatest one-liners I’ve ever been a part of. I’m still jealous I didn’t think of it myself.

So I have met (and worked for) quite a few politicians and most of them are absolutely lovely people with the best of intentions. The older I get, the more my social views range from wildly “liberal” to wildly “conservative” depending on the topic. I won’t bore you with my opinions because I’m not running for anything, but I will say that if I ever got into politics I would totally run on ideas rather than experience. No matter how earnest or accomplished you are, ideas are just so much more impressive. For example, THIS weekend I sincerely hope to organize and label everything in my garage, work out twice, and groom our dog. LAST weekend I drank several beers, ate three brats, and spent an indeterminate amount of time just staring at the sky. (In my defense, it was the 4th of July and I was staring at fireworks.) Can’t you just see the commercial though? Deep, dramatic-yet-snarky announcer voice: “Emily Kuhlman claims a lot of “big ideas” and “patriotism” but where was she on America’s birthday?” First they show a video of my opponent giving foot rubs at the VA hospital and then cut to a picture of me sleeping in a hammock at my parents’ house with a little bit of mustard that dried as it was trickling down my chin. I would probably look something like this.

P.S. I never get tired of that picture of Charlie Rangel. Another great one is the Howard Dean scream. I watch it whenever I need a pick-me-up. Dean campaign slogan idea: America! Where nothing can stop your dream except an ill-timed scream! (TM)

One thought on “The Partly Tipsy Patriot

  1. Pingback: Beachy + Bleachy (and a quick thought on #Selfies) (Updated) | Mrs. Kansas Mommy

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