20 Minute Post-Weekend Detox

If you follow me on IG (@MrsKansasMommy) you know I’ve just gotten home from an 8 day family vacation extravaganza in which I overindulged on everything (food, sun, booze, chlorine, caffeine…all the good things.)

We landed in Kansas City last night, got McDonald’s on the way home (yes, we are garbage people who regularly eat McDonald’s) and I got straight into bed with my kids for like ten hours. I woke up today and realized I am supposed to appear on television tomorrow which theoretically requires me to be seen and I look like a cross between Tan Mom and Captain Ron. (Note to self, check availability for domain name CaptainTanRonMom.com) With little time left, I opted for a few of my standard reset buttons when I’m feeling blah. P.S. I’ve been sent a lot of different products to try because I have a blog, but I’m not being paid to mention any of these. I just use them and like them.

Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

I mean, my last minute detox routine:

20 Minute Post Weekend Detox

  1. My Magic Mud Tooth Whitening Powder (it’s on sale!) Put this in ya pie-hole and brush until you look insane: Magic MudLeave it in while you do your next steps.
  2. Arbonne Cellular Renewal Masque. I’ve been a fan of this masque for years. They recently reformulated it to be less abrasive, and personally I prefer the burn of the old formula, but it’s still one of the most immediate-results masques I’ve tried. And I’ve tried tons. Today I put this on my face, neck, shoulders, chest and even the backs of my hands (while belting out IF I COULD TURN BACK TI-IME!)
  3. The next step is dry-brushing. If you’re new to dry-brushing you’re fine just getting the natural bristle one from Target. The key is to do this step before you get your skin wet. Start at your ankles and work your way up your legs and butt. Rub in an upward circular motion over your tummy and love handles. Start at each wrist and rub in circular motions up to your shoulders. The key is to always be moving the brush toward your heart. Not only does this get rid of ingrown hairs and dead skin, it also supposedly stimulates the lymphatic system to help your body better detoxify. <Now shower and rinse off your masque, whitening powder, and body.>
  4. Apply your normal face cream (lately I’m into Rodan + Fields Redefine), then massage Dr. Teal’s Detox lotion into your whole body. It costs about $5 at Target and it’s one of my tried-and-true.
  5. Rehydrate. I’m currently using these Vitasome supplements, but I also love the Arbonne detox products I’ve tried.

Now go to bed. Preferably one without multiple dogs and children in it, but for some of us, this goal is unattainable at the moment.

As usual, I’ll post details from my segment tomorrow so you can check back and let me know if you’re like Wooh! or Woof.

 

 

 

Sh*t My Kids Say: Fallon/Hilton 2020

Sometimes in the pool we play trivia and the girls (Avery 6 and Savvy 4) take turns “impressing” me with their knowledge while we float around…

Me: Who’s the President?

Savvy: JIMMY FALLON!

Avery: Donald Trump.

Me: And who was president before him?

Avery: Obama.

Savvy: OBAMA!

Me: And who was the other candidate besides Donald Trump? Remember? The woman candidate?

Avery: I don’t know…

Oh wait, yes I do! Celery! Celery Hilton!

Me: What state do we live in?

Savvy: AMERICA!

Avery: Kansas. Duh, Savvy America is where the President lives in the White House.

Me: I think you mean Washington DC.

Avery: Yeah. It’s super far away in Canada.

Me: Um, okay switching categories…What does Bonjour mean?

Savvy: YELLOW!

Avery: It means Hello.

Savvy: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!

Me: How do you say Hello in Spanish?

Avery (high-pitched): Yoo-hoo!

On the way out, Avery took a drink from the fountain and then helpfully notified the children and mother nearby that “This water fountain tastes like martini water.”

So I guess the take-away is that what Savvy lacks in knowledge, she makes up for in supreme confidence, enthusiasm, and volume. And I don’t know what to do about Avery, but I do know that my new alter-ego is a socialite named Celery Hilton who drinks martini water at the pool and calls out “Yoo-hoo!” to greet people Spanish.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from Summer Seventeen so far:

 

KC Live: That Time I Played In A Baby Pool In A Parking Lot.

This segment has everything: an overzealous bubble machine, a grown woman trying to talk and play with baby toys on live tv, Dan Cortez…

It all started Thursday night. I got home from spending the week in Wichita and waited for Kuhlguy to come home from work so I could go to Target and purchase a baby pool to use for my segment Friday morning. While I was there, a Fourth of July swimsuit caught my eye and I thought, well, obviously I need that.

Along with the things I needed for the show, I also brought my giant float: KellyAnne Swanway (named so because “she ain’t got no legs”) and my kids’ bubble machine. As the segment began, the wind picked up and we found ourselves in a bubble storm, so the producer is frantically off to the side turning off my bubble machine, my products for the segment are getting blown all out of order in the baby pool, I’m wearing a microphone pinned to a swimsuit in a parking lot while I play with baby toys in front of two grown men in suits and the camera is rolling and I’m internally having one of those moments like *record scratch* *freeze frame* “I bet you’re wondering how I got here.”

But the show must go on, and so it did. Joel had the best line of the day which was, “Don’t bring a fish to a gun fight.”

The YookeeDoo Duck Race is my favorite; clearly it’s for babies, but I find it strangely mesmerizing. All of these are definitely going to get a lot of use at our house this summer:

Yookidoo Musical Duck Race at http://www.Amazon.com

HABA Squirter Fish Angler Set at http://www.Amazon.com

GeoSafari® Jr. Subscope™ at http://www.EducationalInsights.com

STEM Sink or Float Activity Set at http://www.LearningResources.com

Nerf AlphaFire available at Amazon, Target, Toys R Us

And now for some Behind-The Scenes:

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Not a whole lot of room for a mic pack

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My personal assistant for the day: Mr. KansasMommy

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KellyAnne Swanway

 

I hope everyone has a FANTASTIC weekend! If you need me I’ll be exactly like the above picture only on the water and without my pants.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Glenn.

Glenn is my dad. Today, in honor of father’s day, I’m going to share some of my favorite things from the man who is responsible for so very much of who I am. I keep a log of funny things he says, then later denies. For example, last Summer I was making Moscow Mules and as he walked past the kitchen he casually-but-angrily mentioned that the “price of limes has sky-rocketed because of the f*cking cartels.” He then proceeded to the deck with no further comment. Then on Turkey Day he walked into my house holding a Pecan Pie and greeted everyone by announcing, “Well, another god damned Thanksgiving!”
Here’s a young, grinning Glenn in his more frivolous years:
Glenn
What you’re about to read is an abridged version of an email he sent me in 2007. In my opinion it contains some of the greatest lines ever written.
Date: Wed, Mar 14, 2007 at 1:40 PM
Subject: Re: hello hello hello hello hello
We are disconsolate about the demise of the Dominick’s in North Riverside.  It’s gradually shutting down, and should be completely closed by the end of April.  Right now, though, you can buy all of the lumsy, mold-infested vegetables you’d ever want to eat.  The meat, too, is deeply suspicious.  Everything’s expiration date was for 2005.  The pharmacy has completely shut down.  Homeless people are sleeping in the aisles.  There’s no tequila.  Actual fact.  Yet still we go there.  Until yesterday–a breakthrough.  We went to the Jewell Osco on Harlem just south of Ogden.  A spur-of-the-moment decision.  So convenient!  And they carry tequila.  Mom bought gin, too.  So, besides providing fresh meat and vegetables, it’s a great enabler for alcoholics.
Your mother has had a bone-shaking cough for over a week, and each cough aggravates her aching dislocated-or-whatever back.  It’s very inconvenient for me.  Sometimes I can’t even hear the Bulls play-by-play man on TV because of the constant hacka-hacka-hacka.  You’d think she’d have the decency to put a pillow over her head.  But I’ve gotten nearly half way through the week without catching her cold, so I’m not all that worried about her any more.
I’m glad to hear you’re eating cereal for dinner. This will prepare you for your sixties.  
I made the best pork burrito filling ever for the Pulliams last week.  They raved about it.  Mom coughed in appreciation.  Burrito-wise, it’s a long downhill slide from here.
What about Dilbert this week?  I love Wally as a motivational speaker.  I’m grateful that, in my lifetime, someone has been able to accurately chronicle the reality of the wacky world o’ the white-collar workplace.  Boy, if you could alliterate like that, you’d be making twice as much money.  Although I guess I should have said “the weality.”
What else.  We’re going to the Bulls game with the Pulliams next Tuesday night.  Tonight, we’re going to the CYC gala.  Mom explained that she’s letting me be visible in public because they need a “place-holder.”  That is, they didn’t sell all their tickets, but they don’t want the suckers who did buy them to know they’re a bunch of bozos. I’m going to make an extra effort to be charming. I wonder if they’ll have free drinks or a cash bar?
Remember how Mom and I spent a lot of time helping the kids at a local CYC facility make a video as part of a proposal for a Create a Legacy grant?  They didn’t get funded.  Their main goal for requesting grant money was to install bullet-proof glass for the windows, because a five-year-old child had been showered with shards of glass when a stray bullet from a gang member blew out a window.  And they didn’t get any money.  Can you imagine how bad our video must have been?  Now I know how you must feel about being unable to elect right-wing Republicans in Missouri.
I’d write more, but what’s the point since you’re blowing off my birthday?  What present did you allegedly buy for me, anyway?  I’m hoping it’s spot cleaner for that fancy black shirt.
Don’t work Friday night.  Live big.  Watch TV, and get Kevin to make you toast.  As a chef, he needs to stretch.
See you in KC on April 19.  We’ll have a catch.  I’ve got to write a paper for that conference this week. 
I love you.
Dad
. . . but still, somewhere deep inside, Daddy
There are a lot of other stories; I could probably fill a book…maybe I will. But for now I will simply say, whether Father’s Day is a happy day for you or a sad day, I wish you all lots of funny memories of your own weird, wonderful dads.
Alternate Titles For This Post:
“Another god damned Father’s Day.”
“The meat, too, is deeply suspicious.”
“Burrito-wise, it’s a long downhill slide from here.”
“F*cking Cartels.”

To The Most Underrated Person In My Child’s Life…

A letter to my second First Teacher (a starring role with little fanfare.)

Last Day Of School

Dear Mrs. P,

Avery is my first child, yet I didn’t cry on her first day of kindergarten. Now it’s her last, and I have all of the feels.

There are many things you did for my daughter (other than miraculously teach her math and reading) that are completely underrated. Where do I even begin…

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Actual Things: More Sh*t My Kids Say

Today I had to take Savvy(3) to the doctor with me to get my blood drawn. She watched curiously and asked lots of questions of the nurse. As we were walking to the car:

Savvy: “Mommy, is that nurse going to keep your blood?”

Me: “No, she’ll send it to a lab.”

Savvy *knowingly*: “Oh. Which one?”

Me: “…I have no idea…”

Savvy: “George?”

*This is George: the lab. He is NOT a licensed medical professional. Please do not let him convince you otherwise.

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KC Live: Modern Mommy Essentials (Pills, Boobs, Booze + More)

The greatest thing happened to me today. Right before we went live, I was asked to “say something” for the mic check and I got to utter the epic words, “The arsonist has oddly shaped feet…what is your name, Lanolin?” in a real life TV studio.

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Here’s my girl-talk with the amazing Michelle Davidson. Everytime I see her I love her more and today was no exception:

 

Here are the innovative modern mommy essentials from the segment and where to find them:

The Innovation award-nominated mifold is more than 10x smaller than a regular booster seat but just as safe. It’s literally small enough to fit in your purse and therefore perfect for travel and ideal for times when you need to fit three booster seats across!

mi fold Booster Seat

Order the mifold Booster Seat HERE

Nanobébé Breastmilk Bottle. Launching in the US now and also up for an Innovation Award, this is the first bottle specifically designed to protect breastmilk nutrients and allow the baby to start self-feeding at an earlier age. This bottle cools breastmilk 7x faster than standard bottles, preserving more nutrients. It also warms 2-3 times faster so you can quickly feed your crying baby without destroying any of the good stuff you worked so hard to pump!

nano bebe breastmilk bottle

Order the Nanobebe HERE

Vitasome’s Curcumin-C & Glutasome have energy-boosting turmeric which is a natural anti-inflammatory and promote healthy skin, diminishing the signs of aging (YES!) What’s so different about these supplements is the patented liposomal delivery system. Liposomes surround the nutrients until they penetrate your cells where they’ll have the most benefit so the nutrients are never mistaken for waste.

 

 

Order Vitasome HERE

The Nugeni Steva + is an all in one, easily interchangeable handheld vacuum (cordless and upright), steam mop and a mobile steam cleaner. You can even use it to steam clothes! The steam kills 99% of bacteria so you don’t need to use any harsh chemicals.

Nugeni Steva Accessories

Order the Nugeni Steva + HERE

 

Actual Things: Good God, Doreen.

The other day my bestie sent our group this text and I have been randomly laughing about it ever since:

Doreen Convo

Cut to today, as I’m on my way home from preschool drop-off I come to a car at a stoplight and see this little gray-haired couple sitting together in the back seat. I was imagining them holding hands and bickering over the best route as their daughter drove them to a doctors appointment…

Doreen 1

Then I realized it’s a freaking POODLE!

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And through my hysterical laughter all I can think is, “Good God, Doreen, your perm looks awful!”

Woof!